Jamie Harvill: 2016

Monday, October 31, 2016

A Life In Balance, Part 3—Ministry and Leadership

Here is the final installment on balance—for now! I have been blessed to write this series and hope that it has inspired you as much as it has me.

Thanks again for reading!

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A LIFE IN BALANCE—Part 3

Ministry

Ministry balance is difficult because God is at the core of everything a minister is and does. He must be a committed Christ-follower himself, while being a shepherd to his family and also to his church. A pastor is required to be on the job 24/7, just like a homicide detective; when the pastor gets a call in the middle of the night, his wife and family are expected to understand, roll over, and go back to sleep. But the pastor, especially of smaller churches, seems to never sleep. And because of the time-consuming and complex duties of a professional minister—senior pastor or otherwise—burnout is an occupational threat.

Continuing with the homicide metaphor, in a recent article, Thom Rainer described a so-called autopsy of a burned out pastor. In the analysis he offered thirteen lessons from those who had arrived at such a dreaded point in ministry. A few indicators were that burned out pastors “would not say ‘no’ to requests for time…had no effective way to deal with critics…served a dysfunctional church…[their own] family was neglected…[they failed] to take a day off…[and have] never learned effective relational and leadership skills.”[33]

These symptoms point to a crisis in the church of the 21st century. Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership authors McIntosh and Rima paint a dismal picture of codependence in the church—one-sided relationships where a person relies on another for meeting most of their emotional and self-esteem needs[34]—when they write:

Many codependent leaders have destroyed themselves in ministry as they tried in vain to keep an entire church happy and meet every other need while ignoring their own family and personal needs. Burnout, divorce, adulterous affairs, and physical illness can result when a leader fails to redeem his or her codependent behavior. It is highly likely that codependency has crippled more churches and Christian organizations than any other leadership malady.[35]

To maintain health in ministry, families, congregations and leadership must help insure the emotional, spiritual and physical wellbeing of staff members.

Leadership

Abraham Lincoln’s example of leadership showed that no one is able to do everything on their own; they must employ subordinates who will do what is essential to assure success. Lincoln leadership expert Donald Phillips wrote, “Those subordinates who will take risks, act without waiting for direction, and ask for responsibility rather than reject it, should be treated as your most prized possessions.”[36] Phillips said those subordinates are extremely “rare and worth their weight in gold. And when you finally find one – as Lincoln found [and relied on] Grant [as opposed to McClellan and Hooker] – they tend to multiply.”[37]

A good leader is wise to recruit talented people with diverse strengths to compliment their weaknesses. If everyone on the team has the same skill-set, then very little will be accomplished. Balance in ministry will require a wide variety of skills and personalities, all cooperating together toward a common goal.[38]

One of the greatest things any leader, minister or parent can do for their employees, flocks or families is to create and maintain grace-filled environments. “Most people know an environment of grace when they see it,”[39] say authors Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath. “Grace means people don't get what they deserve. It means we treat each other better than we expect to be treated ourselves. Grace transcends justice. We meet a need expecting nothing in return. We forgive. We pay back insults with concern.”[40] This same grace is offered to those who fall into sin or fail in their obligations or relationships. J. Oswald Sanders says that with every rebuke or corrective measure taken, one must “always keep the spiritual restoration of the offender in view.”[41] In seeking redemptive solutions to problems, an environment of grace must infuse every aspect of ministry.

Education

Casey Neistat, a Youtube vlogger, who boasts a whoppoing excess of 5 million subscribers to his channel, made a profound observation in a recent video. A frequent viewer wrote in to ask Neistat how a person might best realize their dreams and move ahead in life. The answer seemed prudent beyond his thirty-five years when he replied:

The best advice I can give…is to keep very, very busy, and for some people it means going to college. [Figuring out what to do next in life] manifests itself in a million different ways, but sitting around trying to figure it out will never yield results.[42]

Although Neistat dropped out of high school in the 10^th grade, he understands the value of education and not determining one’s future while standing still. This student’s philosophy is similar.

Education was rarely encouraged in my blue-collar, southern California upbringing. There were at least two attempts to attend college after high school graduation in 1978. The final four-year effort—following a six-year period of time on the road as a touring musician, then marriage and children—led to a BA degree in religion and music from Mobile College in 1989. Then after ten years of more touring, songwriting and seminar teaching, a Masters degree in worship from Liberty was started in 1999. After a year the attempt on a Masters degree stalled, but was finally resumed in 2014. The degree was completed in Spring 2016.

I began the DWS (Doctorate) program at Liberty in the Fall of 2016. The plan while accomplishing this goal, as well as afterward, is to continue writing books, blogs and magazines on worship and artistry, teaching worship, songwriting and artistry in a university setting, and to continue writing songs and leading worship in a local church. After obtaining the DWS degree, there is a high possibility of attaining a Ph.D. in worship.

Missions/ Evangelism

Henry Blackaby puts it very simply in that when Christians respond to God's invitation to salvation they then become a part of the Almighty’s “mission of world redemption.” Blackaby prompts, “The salvation God offers comes with a corresponding summons to be on mission with Him.”[43]

Being called to the Great Commission (Matt. 28:16-20) is also the church’s invitation to worship.[44] As worship is the ultimate goal of the church, John Piper points out that the Great Commission exists because worship does not. “Missions,” says Piper, “is a temporary necessity. But worship abides forever.”[45]

The Great Commission encompasses local, regional and international missions, and a balanced church ministry will attend to each of these. In January 1996, the Lutheran World Federation's Study Team on Worship and Culture held a conference in in Nairobi, Kenya, and introduced a set of guidelines for which every missionary of the gospel would be wise to consider. Anne Zaki condensed the article into a concise list of four truths that convey the worship methods a missionary may adopt when ministering in foreign cultures, or even within one’s own homeland. Zaki wrote:

Christian worship relates dynamically to culture in at least four ways. First, it is transcultural, the same substance for everyone everywhere, beyond culture. Second, it is contextual, varying according to the local situation (both nature and culture). Third, it is counter-cultural, challenging what is contrary to the Gospel in a given culture. Fourth, it is cross-cultural, making possible sharing between different local cultures.[46]

With these guidelines in mind, the church will find a balanced approach to missions and worship.

Pastoral Ministries

The approach to pastoral ministry is as a shepherd. David was a shepherd of sheep and of people (Ps. 78:72); Jesus was the Great Shepherd (Heb. 13:20); Paul charged the leaders of the church at Ephesus to shepherd the people (Acts 20:28); and Jesus reinstated Peter back into ministry by saying, “Feed my sheep” (v. 17, NIV).

The church needs spiritual shepherds. The 23^rd Psalm speaks of the importance of shepherds: to feed the sheep by leading them to nourishing pasture in which to graze (vs. 2a); to help quench their spiritual thirst (vs. 2b); to help bring strength and guidance (vs. 3); to bring protection and to lead during difficult times (vs. 4); to extend favor and value as a member of the family of God (vs. 5); and to bring stability and confidence that God’s provision and security is eternal (vs. 6).

Relationships in the church are fundamental for a shepherd (IS. 43: 1, 4). Ministers must be trustworthy, compassionate, patient and generous, among other important attributes; the shepherd must also garner the trust of the congregation (Jn. 10:4, 27). These qualities are only obtained through humbly relying on Christ for strength and wisdom.

Within the realm of shepherding is caring for and calling on the flock; this must be done in a balanced manor. Steps must be taken by ministry elders and staff to protect a lead shepherd’s schedule. Appointments may include visiting with new church attendees, hospital patients and families, funerals and grieving families, and general visits with people needing prayer, spiritual guidance and encouragement, especially widows and the orphans.

The greatest responsibility of a shepherd is to lead the congregation in worship. Of course this may not mean he or she plans and leads music, but the lead shepherd is most certainly the lead worshipper. The lead shepherd, as Psalm 23 points out, has the ultimate responsibility of the caring and feeding, through the Word of God, of the flock (1 Pet. 5:2, 4).

Providing all of these duties and obligations of ministry can be daunting. Just as was described earlier, many have succumbed to burn out after being overcome by discouragement.

Working hard at a profession while prioritizing God and family is much like a juggling act, notes Chief Executive Officer of VMware, Pat Gelsinger. He and his wife have developed a system to bring balance between work and home. He writes:

[The] days I’m home before 5: 00 p.m. are worth two points; days I’m home before 6: 15 p.m. are worth one point; and days I’m home after 6: 15 p.m. or not home at all that evening are zero points. Weekend days that I’m away get minus one point. The sum of those points for the month is the numerator. The denominator is the number of work days for the month. At the end of each month, we compare the sum of these points with the number of work days in the month…[This system] puts the data in front of both of us and allows us to focus on the real issues.[47]

The key to a balanced ministry includes wisdom, discipline, and awareness.

Age-Graded Ministry Balance

Scripture says: “Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen” (Eph. 3:20-21). This is proof that God looks favorably on the generations. With the Worship Table concept, referring to the model that Ross Parsley’s church abides by, there is a multigenerational approach to everything they do.[48] Parsley says a multigenerational approach is needed in marriage ministries, student ministries, children’s ministries, and worship. This viewpoint of ministry can certainly bring the generations together. Worship that includes various age groups encourages the whole church—older folks, and everyone in the middle, sing God’s praises with the kids. Doing church, says Parsley, “is definitely a multigenerational ministry.”[49] Proverbs 6:20-23 encourages the church to maintain a multigenerational approach to ministry, continually helping to connect the child and the parent with truth. Dennis Rainey refers to this as generational connectedness.[50]

A Well-Balanced Christ-Follower

To paint a picture of a mature disciple of Christ, one may turn to a description presented by J. Oswald Sanders:

Jesus trained His disciples superbly for their future roles. He taught by example and by precept; His teaching was done “on the road.” Jesus did not ask the Twelve to sit down and take notes in a formal classroom. Jesus’ classrooms were the highways of life; His principles and values came across in the midst of daily experience. Jesus placed disciples into internships (Luke 10:17–24) that enabled them to learn through failure and success (Mark 9:14–29). He delegated authority and responsibility to them as they were able to bear it. Jesus’ wonderful teaching in John 13–16 was their graduation address.[51]

This description may seem very simple but the fact is: Christ-followers learn as they go, in the midst of daily experiences. It will only be our Lord who has the authority to say: “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!” (Matt. 25: 21, NIV)

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Footnotes

[33] Thom Rainer, “Autopsy of A Burned Out Pastor: 13 Lessons,” Thom S. Rainer: Growing Healthy Churches, Together (June 23, 2014) http://thomrainer.com/2014/06/autopsy-burned-pastor-13-lessons/ (accessed July 13, 2016).

[34] Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, “Symptoms of Codependency,” PsychCentral, http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/ (accessed July 13, 2016).

[35] Gary L. McIntosh, Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership, Kindle Edition location 1892.

[36] Donald T. Phillips, Lincoln On Leadership: Executive Strategies for Tough Times (Illinois, USA: DTP/Companion Books, 2009), Kindle Edition, locations 1682-1686.

[37] Ibid.

[38] Jamie Harvill, Worship Foundry: Shaping a New Generation of Worship Leaders (Bloomington, IN: WestBowPress, 2013), 15.

[39] Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and Ken McElrath, The Ascent of a Leader: How Ordinary Relationships Develop Extraordinary Character and Influence (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 1999), Kindle Edition location 419.

[40] Ibid.

[41] J. Oswald Sanders, Spiritual Leadership: A Commitment to Excellence for Every Believer (Chicago: Moody Press, 2007), Kindle Edition locations 2786-2789.

[42] Casey Neistat, “Overpowered Motorized Skateboard” (Vlog # 119, July 22, 2015) CaseyNeistat, YouTubeRed, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tSCoVPoCt1U (accessed July 13, 2016).

[43] Henry Blackaby, Richard Blackaby and Clause King, Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God (Nashville: B&H Publications, 2008), Kindle Edition locations 834-836.

[44] David Wheeler and Vernon M. Whaley, The Great Commission to Worship: Biblical Principles for Worship-Based Evangelism (Nashville: B&H Publishing, 2011), Kindle Location 2007.

[45] John Piper, Let the Nations Be Glad! The Supremacy of God in Missions (Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 1993), 11.

[46] Anne Zaki, “Shall We Dance?: Reflections on the Nairobi Statement on Worship and Culture,” from the book Worship and Mission for the Global Church, James R. Krabill, ed. (Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library, 2013), Kindle Edition locations 2416-2422.

[47] Pat Gelsinger, The Juggling Act: Bringing Balance to Your Faith, Family, and Work (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2008), 147-148.

[48] Ross Parsley, Messy Church: A Multigenerational Mission for God’s Family (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2012), 65.

[49] Ibid., 69.

[50] Dennis Rainey and Dave Boehi, The Tribute: What Every Parent Longs to Hear (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1994), 63.

[51] J. Oswald Sanders, Spiritual Leadership, Kindle locations 1149-1153.

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Blackaby, Henry, Richard Blackaby and Clause King. Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God. Nashville: B&H Publications, 2008. Kindle Edition.

Branon, Dave. “Obedience Is Worship.” Our Daily Bread (June 9, 2013). http://odb.org/2013/06/09/obedience-is-worship/ (accessed July 12, 2016).

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Catron, Jenni. The Four Dimensions of Extraordinary Leadership: The Power of Leading from Your Heart, Soul, Mind, and Strength. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2015.

Chaddick, Tim and Craig Borlase. Better: How Jesus Satisfies the Search for Meaning. Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2013. Kindle Edition.

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Cloud, Henry. Changes That Heal: The Four Shifts That Make Everything Better…And That Everyone Can Do Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 1992.

“Definition of Spiritual Formation at DTS.” Dallas Theological Seminary. http://www.dts.edu/departments/academic/eml/sf/definition/ (Accessed July 12, 2016).

Draper, Edyth. Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World. Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1992.

Edmondson, Ron. “10 Suggestions for Raising Godly Children.” RonEdmondson. http://www.ronedmondson.com/2015/05/10-suggestions-for-raising-godly-children.html (Accessed July 17, 2016).

Farrar, Steve. Real Valor: A Charge to Nurture and Protect Your Family—Bold Man Of God Series. Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2013.

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Gelsinger, Pat. The Juggling Act: Bringing Balance to Your Faith, Family, and Work (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2008.

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Hummel, Charles E. Tyranny of the Urgent: Revised and Expanded. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1994.

Lancer, Darlene JD, MFT. “Symptoms of Codependency.” PsychCentral. http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/. (Accessed July 13, 2016).

McIntosh, Gary L. and Samuel D. Rima Sr. Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: How to Become an Effective Leader by Confronting Potential Failures. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2007.

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Miller, Rose Marie. Nothing Is Impossible with God: Reflections on Weakness, Faith, and Power. Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2012.

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Phillips, Donald T. Lincoln On Leadership: Executive Strategies for Tough Times. Illinois, USA: DTP/Companion Books, 2009.

Piper, John. Let the Nations Be Glad! The Supremacy of God in Missions. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic, 1993.

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Thursday, October 27, 2016

I'm A Questioner, Dottie: A Personal Quest for Biblical Worship Practice

My wife Brenda says I’m a questioner. She is an avid listener to Gretchen Rubin’s “Happier” podcast, in which Rubin has developed a profile of four people-types: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. The quiz is by no means scientific, but it sure does a good job of helping one somewhat understand various mindsets and idiosyncrasies that motivate the way people interact with others. The following list, in Gretchen’s own words, defines how differing personalities tend to react to social “expectations” in life:

Upholders respond readily to outer and inner expectations (Ruben says she’s an Upholder, 100%)

Questioners question all expectations; they’ll meet an expectation if they think it makes sense–essentially, they make all expectations into inner expectations

Obligers meet outer expectations, but struggle to meet expectations they impose on themselves

Rebels resist all expectations, outer and inner alike

So, thanks to Gretchen Rubin and my beautiful wife, I can now see what tendencies have motivated me throughout my life.

As a Christian, I feel like an outsider. In other words, I wasn’t raised in a Christian

home (although I do have relatives and family customs that were Christian-influenced). I didn’t grow up going to Sunday school every week (only with grandma a couple of times a year when I went to visit). Wednesday night supper was a foreign concept; I didn’t grow up with hymns—I grew up in southern California, immersed in AM radio pop and Los Angeles television feeds, with secular ideas about humanity, God and morality.

When at the age of 14—almost 15—Christ made Himself very real to me and, as a result, I became a Christian. My new Christian consciousness created a different way of thinking. You see, eventually I didn’t see Sunday school, for instance, as a weird thing because I ultimately saw that what others may have deemed “hokey,” was actually legitimately biblical to me; I realized that Christ’s plan for discipleship involved a consistent dose of instruction that was commanded by Christ Himself in the Great Commission (Matt. 28:16-20). There are myriads of other examples I could mention here, but, suffice it to say, I questioned and continue to question everything. I believe that just because a person says something is true, doesn’t mean it’s so. I need to go and find out for myself.

Enter the Bereans

Enter the Bereans: “Now these [the Bereans] were more noble-minded than those in Thessalonica, for they received the word with great eagerness, examining the Scriptures daily to see whether these things were so” (Acts 17:11—NASB). The Apostle Paul needed to remind the Thessalonians: "Prove all things; hold fast that which is good." (I Thes. 5:21). John also made the same claim to second or third generation Asiatic churches faced with doctrinal and moral challenges,[1] by saying, "Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world." (I John 4:1).

Where I currently live in the Deep South there are strongly entrenched ideas about worship that are complexly woven into the fabric of Southern culture (music plays a major role here). I love living in the South because most of my heritage is rooted in this part of the country. I am, however, aware that some of the culturally embedded thoughts about worship may need to be scripturally researched to find out if they are on the right biblical track or not. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an iconoclast who is motivated to tear down highly regarded Southern worship traditions, but I am a questioner!

I am currently studying for a doctorate in worship because I am intrigued by how Christian worship has developed over the centuries, especially how worship codified into a set of often-practiced rituals in and outside of Jerusalem by the 4^th century. We have come a long way as a church since then, and we should often take a look to make sure that our culturally evolving worship practices are balanced by a biblical precedence.

I will continue to question worship practices—especially the modern variety—because I am on a life-mission to find the essence that Christ intended when He Himself served the Last Supper so long ago, and how the disciples carried on community life in Christ after the Ascension and Pentecost.

Wars have been fought and great divisions have developed since the 4^th century over worship style, theological viewpoints, and even cultural differences within the church.

Consistent Worship Practice

Here are several things that, I am convinced, have been consistent over the years regarding Christian worship practice, and I myself continue to pursue and promote these practices in worship (Acts 2: 45-47; Eph. 5: 18-20; 2 Tim. 4:2; Matt. 28:16-20; Rom. 12:6-8; 1 Cor. 12:8-10; 1 Pet. 4:11; Matt. 26:17-30; 1 Cor. 11:17-34):

Baptism

Teaching/ discipleship

Congregational singing

Testimony

Sharing/ giving

Breaking bread together (Holy Communion and fellowship)

Prayer

Preaching the Word

Scripture reading

Personal worship as a lifestyle

Recognition of individual gifts to contribute in worship

Even as a conservative Christian, I may have in the past, and probably will in the future, upset some of my brethren by being a questioner. But the course by which I question will purposely navigate away from opinions—from simply what others have done before. My quest will continuously be based on and measured by the highest authority: Scripture. If this means I’m an outsider, then I’ll proudly wear the t-shirt!

[1] D. A. Carson and Douglas J. Moo, An Introduction to the New Testament, 2nd ed. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2005), 133.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Walt Disney, a Ukulele, and the Holy Spirit

As a kid I spent many a Saturday running errands with my dad. Oftentimes we would drop in on Howard Whitecotton, one of dad’s friends from work. He had a cool meandering backyard water feature, filled with large goldfish. The most wonderful part of our visits at Howard’s, though, was when I would eye a ukulele that was proudly perched on a wall in his den. Next to the ukulele was a photo of the instrument's former owner, the famous Ukulele Ike, an old Hollywood singer and voice actor of the ‘20s and ‘30s, also known as Cliff Edwards, but better known to the ages as the voice of Jiminy Cricket, and singer of “When You Wish Upon a Star.” Apparently, Howard was a dear friend of Edwards, enough of one to receive such a special gift. As a professional musician today, I wonder just how much that ukulele surreptitiously sprinkled pixie dust on me, creating a desire for a career in music.

Not surprisingly, Jiminy Cricket is my favorite Disney character, and one that is highly elusive when searching for Disney collectables. I have, however, found a few items, one of which is sitting atop my bookcase in our living room. It’s a beautiful statue, approximately ten inches high, of Jiminy sitting on a matchbox, holding out his umbrella as if to remind me, “…always let your conscience be your guide!” My niece Tessa was kind enough to pick it up for me while she worked at Walt Disney World. I treasure it—mostly for the symbolism that Jiminy brings to my life.

On Fridays at Pacific Drive Elementary School in the 1960s, we would often watch old clickity projected movie features in class, some of which were produced by Disney. (I loved Disney because Disneyland was only four miles from my home and school!) Jiminy would often enter the motivational shorts, singing, “I’m no fool, no-sir-ee, I want to live to be 93. I play safe for you and me ‘cause I’m no fool!”

I was captivated by his wisdom, and I will say that his teaching poured into me the life-long rule of ‘look both ways before crossing the street!’

Later in my Christian walk I realized the symbolism between the Holy Spirit and Jiminy Cricket. It’s not that I “give a little whistle” and the Holy Spirit comes running to my rescue. No. It reminds me that, like Jiminy, the Holy Spirit always brings to mind the Word of God—of right and wrong—and leads me through this tangled-up, sinkhole-infested world of sin in which I live. The Holy Spirit is my guide, along with the Word of God; this has made an indelible impression on my soul and has given me great comfort in distress.

In Him, you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation—having also believed, you were sealed in Him with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is given as a pledge of our inheritance, with a view to the redemption of God’s own possession, to the praise of His glory.

—Ephesians 1:13-14 (NASB)

My Jiminy Cricket statue

Sure, like the mischievous Pinocchio, I have donned donkey ears from time to time due to my refusal to obey God's wisdom. But I know that the deposit of the Holy Spirit (Eph. 1:13-14) in my life comforts me and assures me that God will never, EVER ditch me and leave me alone (Deut. 31:6)—even when at times I may feel alone.

As I consider that ukulele on Howard

Whitecotton’s wall, I am reminded that in the years since those days I myself have become a “real boy”—a living testimony of the faithfulness of God through Christ, and the indwelling Holy Spirit.

Thanks, Jiminy!

Monday, October 10, 2016

A Life In Balance, Part 2—Family

This week I'm continuing with the theme of life-balance—this time regarding balance in family life. Thanks for reading!!

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A LIFE IN BALANCE

Family

According to family experts, Dr. Jerry Pipes and Victor Lee, a healthy family is one that spends time together; each member is committed to one another; mom and dad are equally involved in raising the children; their significance as a family is rooted in Christ; and where the baton of faith is passed on to the next generation.[21] Since the family is the primary unit in society, it is important that families are nurtured with the help of the church to live out the depiction above. Henry Drummond once proclaimed: “The family circle is the supreme conductor of Christianity.”[22]

Marriage

Family balance starts with a strong marriage. Ted Cunningham, pastor and author of books relating to marriage and family, writes: “Two great gifts we can give our children are a mom and a dad who enjoy life together and the hope of a great marriage of their own.”[23] Scripture puts a high value on marriage. Genesis 2: 24 says: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (NIV). Cunningham goes on to elaborate: “The bond between husband and wife is glue-like and meant to be permanent this side of heaven. That is not the bond we have with our children.”[24]

Marriage is the primary relationship in a family, rivaling the mother-child connection. When an inordinate amount of attention is given to raising children and making a living outside the home—to the point of prevailing over the husband-wife relationship—a couple may grow apart in subtle ways over time until it becomes more obvious when the youngest child leaves the nest. Marriage specialist Beth Witrogen McLeod explored empty-nest marital challenges that happen to many families. In her research she found:

’Nest-emptying’ can disturb a parent's sense of self-worth…marriages are particularly vulnerable at this juncture. While many couples may be aware that they will likely experience grief and loss as the initial phase of parenting ends, they may encounter surprises when surplus time allows the marital relationship to come under greater scrutiny.[25]

When a marriage is strong, the kids can leave home knowing that their parent’s life will still go on. Couples must make a commitment from the start to build their family around the marriage. Although this seems counter-intuitive to many, the kids will turn out all right.

Child-Rearing

Raising children is a blessing but also a blinding endeavor involving thousands of hours of minutiae. Their growing needs constantly shift the family’s living patterns and challenge parental patience. From the first step a child takes on their own to the independence of riding a bike and staying over night at a friend's house, they are slowly moving away from mom and dad. All of the baths, meals, clothes washing, playing, naps, bruises and cuts, are such a blur until coming to a clearing to realize that one of the kids has graduated from High School. Raising kids is daunting, and it takes help from grandparents, the church, schools and friends to bring them up. But unfortunately, there is nothing that replaces a doggedly tenacious parent who will stick with the challenge—no one is more fit for the job than a Christian parent, even a single parent. God gives special grace to parents!

Pastor and nationally known Christian leader, Ron Edmonson, offers a few suggestion for raising children: 1) raising godly children does not usually happen by accident; 2) have an idea what you want your child to be as an adult; 3) display before them what it means to be a Christ follower; 4) endeavor to live like Christ, even as it exposes your flaws; 5) articulate principles of spiritual growth to teach each child (age, learning styles and gender will need to be considered; 5) individualize teaching time for the child; express the specific character qualities you want your child to have.; and 6) pray and trust Christ for your children.[26]

Taking Care of Aging Family Members

Being a grandparent of three children under five-years-old has its advantages, including being able to influence new generations for Christ—and beyond. Many of the same things mentioned earlier for parents regarding child rearing are applicable to grandparents. Families must remember to carry through the generations a healthy respect for and care of older generations (1 Tim. 5:1-18; James 1:27; Eph. 6:2).

A common bond children and grandparents share is that seniors and youngsters are nearer to the beginning and end of life than those in the middle. Dr. Eugene Kornhaber, MD, of the Foundation for Grandparenting says:

[Both children and grandparents] share a curiosity about a universe that the one has just entered and the other will shortly leave. In addition, grandparents and grandchildren inhabit a similar place in society, which reinforces their special spiritual connection, especially older grandparents and young children. Because they may be less involved in the purposeful, everyday world and have less responsibility, they potentially are freer to focus on the spiritual nature of their existence.[27]

Grandparents may prove to be a wonderful influence on the spirituality of a child through displaying Christlikeness and offering spiritual and practical knowledge and insight.

Korean, Japanese, Mediterranean and Latin cultures, among others, all seem to honor and take great care of their elderly. Journalist Karina Martinez-Carter observed through recent studies that Western cultures tend to be somewhat dismissive of the aging due to the fact that many North Americans, for instance, are youth-centric, individualistic and independent.[28] She wrote:

This relates back to the Protestant work ethic, which ties an individual's value to his or her ability to work — something that diminishes in old age…As [an older person’s] health deteriorates, the elderly in [Western] cultures often move to retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes.[29]

In a time when people are living much longer—78.8 years-of-age in a 2015 study, up from 47.3 years in 1900, and 63 years in 1950[30]—an ever-expanding elder class is imminent—promising to put strain on public, church and family resources. Relatives must therefore react to this inevitability as well as the church. Because of limitations in time, living space, and finances of caregiving friends or kin—and because of insufficient retirement planning and savings—families must make adjustments to bring elderly parents into their homes, and churches need to offer increased assistance. Some elders outlive their loved ones, and this places senior adults in a vulnerable position. It is time for the church to head off this coming crisis and help families prepare for what will indeed become a greater problem if unheeded.

Family Ministry

A balanced family ministry considers each stage of life. In a multigenerational approach, no age group is valued more highly than another. Ministry to the family starts with a strict commitment of men to be true shepherds of the home, just as God has called them to be (Eph. 5 and 6). In Steve Farrar’s book about the Old Testament character Boaz, the author calls the future husband of Ruth “…a whole grain man…kind of rough around the edges…But he’s got the substance and stuff to stay the course and take care of his family in the stresses and strains of everyday life.”[31] True family ministry will only thrive when men step up to prove that they, like Boaz, are uncompromising men of courage and are true to their spouses and children—just like Jesus, the Good Shepherd.[32]

The whole church must put forth time, effort and money to see that families are given high priority, including next generations, single parents, the elderly, and premarital and marital counseling ministries. Such a focus will help bring stability to the Body of Christ.

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Footnotes

[21] Dr. Jerry Pipes and Victor Lee, Family to family: Leaving A Lasting Legacy (Nashville: NAMB of the SBC, 1999), 11-14.

[22] Edyth Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1992), 318.

[23] Ted Cunningham, Fun Loving You: Enjoying Your Marriage in the Midst of the Grind (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, ), 27.

[24] Ibid.

[25] Beth Witrogen McLeod, “Empty Nests: Flying Solo After the Kids Leave Home,” HealthDay (January 20, 2016). https://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/depression-12/depression-news-176/empty-nests-flying-solo-after-the-kids-leave-home-645069.html. (accessed July 17, 2016).

[26] Ron Edmondson, “10 Suggestions for Raising Godly Children,” RonEdmondson, http://www.ronedmondson.com/2015/05/10-suggestions-for-raising-godly-children.html (accessed July 17, 2016).

[27] Dr. Eugene Kornhaber, MD, “Grandparents As ‘Spiritual Guides,’” Foundation for Grandparenting, http://grandparenting.org/resource/grandparents-as-spiritual-guides/ (accessed July 13, 2016).

[28] Karina Martinez-Carter, “How the elderly are treated around the world,” This Week (July 23, 2013) http://theweek.com/articles/462230/how-elderly-are-treated-around-world (accessed July 13, 2016).

[29] Ibid.

[30] National Center for Health Statistics. Health, United States, 2015: With Special Feature on Racial and Ethnic Health Disparities. Hyattsville, MD. 2016.

[31] Steve Farrar, Real Valor: A Charge to Nurture and Protect Your Family—Bold Man Of God Series (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2013), 17.

[32] Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Shepherds: Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes (Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books, 2011), 14.