A Life In Balance, Part 2—Family

This week I'm continuing with the theme of life-balance—this time regarding balance in family life. Thanks for reading!!

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A LIFE IN BALANCE

Family

According to  family experts, Dr. Jerry Pipes and Victor Lee, a healthy family is one that spends time together; each member is committed to one another; mom and dad are equally involved in raising the children; their significance as a family is rooted in Christ; and where the baton of faith is passed on to the next generation.[21] Since the family is the primary unit in society, it is important that families are nurtured with the help of the church to live out the depiction above.  Henry Drummond once proclaimed: “The family circle is the supreme conductor of Christianity.”[22]

Marriage

Family balance starts with a strong marriage. Ted Cunningham, pastor and author of books relating to marriage and family, writes: “Two great gifts we can give our children are a mom and a dad who enjoy life together and the hope of a great marriage of  their own.”[23] Scripture puts a high value on marriage. Genesis 2: 24 says: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (NIV). Cunningham goes on to elaborate: “The bond between husband and wife is glue-like and meant to be permanent this side of heaven. That is not the bond we have with our children.”[24]

Marriage is the primary relationship in a family, rivaling the mother-child connection. When an inordinate amount of attention is given to raising children and making a living outside the home—to the point of prevailing over the husband-wife relationship—a couple may grow apart in subtle ways over time until it becomes more obvious when the youngest child leaves the nest. Marriage specialist Beth Witrogen McLeod explored empty-nest marital challenges that happen to many families. In her research she found:

’Nest-emptying’ can disturb a parent's sense of self-worth…marriages are particularly vulnerable at this juncture. While many couples may be aware that they will likely experience grief and loss as the initial phase of parenting ends, they may encounter surprises when surplus time allows the marital relationship to come under greater scrutiny.[25]

When a marriage is strong, the kids can leave home knowing that their parent’s life will still go on. Couples must make a commitment from the start to build their family around the marriage. Although this seems counter-intuitive to many, the kids will turn out all right.

Child-Rearing

Raising children is a blessing but also a blinding endeavor involving thousands of hours of minutiae. Their growing needs constantly shift the family’s living patterns and challenge parental patience. From the first step a child takes on their own to the independence of riding a bike and staying over night at a friend's house, they are slowly moving away from mom and dad. All of the baths, meals, clothes washing, playing, naps, bruises and cuts, are such a blur until coming to a clearing to realize that one of the kids has graduated from High School. Raising kids is daunting, and it takes help from grandparents, the church, schools and friends to bring them up. But unfortunately, there is nothing that replaces a doggedly tenacious parent who will stick with the challenge—no one is more fit for the job than a Christian parent, even a single parent. God gives special grace to parents!

Pastor and nationally known Christian leader, Ron Edmonson, offers a few suggestion for raising children: 1) raising godly children does not usually happen by accident; 2) have an idea what you want your child to be as an adult; 3) display before them what it means to be a Christ follower; 4) endeavor to live like Christ, even as it exposes your flaws; 5) articulate principles of spiritual growth to teach each child (age, learning styles and gender will need to be considered; 5) individualize teaching time for the child; express the specific character qualities you want your child to have.; and 6)  pray and trust Christ for your children.[26]

Taking Care of Aging Family Members

            Being a grandparent of three children under five-years-old has its advantages, including being able to influence new generations for Christ—and beyond.  Many of the same things mentioned earlier for parents regarding child rearing are applicable to grandparents. Families must remember to carry through the generations a healthy respect for and care of older generations (1 Tim. 5:1-18; James 1:27; Eph. 6:2).

A common bond children and grandparents share is that seniors and youngsters are nearer to the beginning and end of life than those in the middle. Dr. Eugene Kornhaber, MD, of the Foundation for Grandparenting says:   

[Both children and grandparents] share a curiosity about a universe that the one has just entered and the other will shortly leave. In addition, grandparents and grandchildren inhabit a similar place in society, which reinforces their special spiritual connection, especially older grandparents and young children. Because they may be less involved in the purposeful, everyday world and have less responsibility, they potentially are freer to focus on the spiritual nature of their existence.[27]

            Grandparents may prove to be a wonderful influence on the spirituality of a child through displaying Christlikeness and offering spiritual and practical knowledge and insight.

            Korean, Japanese, Mediterranean and Latin cultures, among others, all seem to honor and take great care of their elderly. Journalist Karina Martinez-Carter observed through recent studies that Western cultures tend to be somewhat dismissive of the aging due to the fact that many North Americans, for instance, are youth-centric, individualistic and independent.[28] She wrote:

This relates back to the Protestant work ethic, which ties an individual's value to his or her ability to work — something that diminishes in old age…As [an older person’s] health deteriorates, the elderly in [Western] cultures often move to retirement communities, assisted living facilities, and nursing homes.[29]

            In a time when people are living much longer—78.8 years-of-age in a 2015 study, up from 47.3 years in 1900, and 63 years in 1950[30]—an ever-expanding elder class is imminent—promising to put strain on public, church and family resources. Relatives must therefore react to this inevitability as well as the church. Because of limitations in time, living space, and finances of caregiving friends or kin—and because of insufficient retirement planning and savings—families must make adjustments to bring elderly parents into their homes, and churches need to offer increased assistance. Some elders outlive their loved ones, and this places senior adults in a vulnerable position. It is time for the church to head off this coming crisis and help families prepare for what will indeed become a greater problem if unheeded.

Family Ministry

            A balanced family ministry considers each stage of life. In a multigenerational approach, no age group is valued more highly than another. Ministry to the family starts with a strict commitment of men to be true shepherds of the home, just as God has called them to be (Eph. 5 and 6). In Steve Farrar’s book about the Old Testament character Boaz, the author calls the future husband of Ruth “…a whole grain man…kind of rough around the edges…But he’s got the substance and stuff to stay the course and take care of his family in the stresses and strains of everyday life.”[31] True family ministry will only thrive when men step up to prove that they, like Boaz, are uncompromising men of courage and are true to their spouses and children—just like Jesus, the Good Shepherd.[32]

The whole church must put forth time, effort and money to see that families are given high priority, including next generations, single parents, the elderly, and premarital and marital counseling ministries. Such a focus will help bring stability to the Body of Christ.

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Footnotes

[21] Dr. Jerry Pipes and Victor Lee, Family to family: Leaving A Lasting Legacy (Nashville: NAMB of the SBC, 1999), 11-14.

[22] Edyth Draper, Draper’s Book of Quotations for the Christian World (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House Publishers, 1992), 318.

[23] Ted Cunningham, Fun Loving You: Enjoying Your Marriage in the Midst of the Grind (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, ), 27.

[24] Ibid.

[25] Beth Witrogen McLeod,  “Empty Nests: Flying Solo After the Kids Leave Home,” HealthDay (January 20, 2016). https://consumer.healthday.com/encyclopedia/depression-12/depression-news-176/empty-nests-flying-solo-after-the-kids-leave-home-645069.html. (accessed July 17, 2016).

[26] Ron Edmondson, “10 Suggestions for Raising Godly Children,” RonEdmondson, http://www.ronedmondson.com/2015/05/10-suggestions-for-raising-godly-children.html (accessed July 17, 2016).

[27] Dr. Eugene Kornhaber, MD, “Grandparents As ‘Spiritual Guides,’” Foundation for Grandparenting, http://grandparenting.org/resource/grandparents-as-spiritual-guides/ (accessed July 13, 2016).

[28] Karina Martinez-Carter, “How the elderly are treated around the world,” This Week (July 23, 2013) http://theweek.com/articles/462230/how-elderly-are-treated-around-world (accessed July 13, 2016).

[29] Ibid.

[30] National Center for Health Statistics. Health, United States, 2015: With Special Feature on Racial and Ethnic Health Disparities. Hyattsville, MD. 2016.

[31] Steve Farrar, Real Valor: A Charge to Nurture and Protect Your Family—Bold Man Of God Series (Colorado Springs: David C. Cook, 2013), 17.

[32] Voddie Baucham Jr., Family Shepherds: Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes (Wheaton, Ill: Crossway Books, 2011), 14.

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