Life Is Hard Series: Forgiveness—2 Ways To Deal With It

Here’s an understatement, folks: Life is hard!

It can be so difficult for some that they opt out and, by some means, take their own life. I can’t say that I have come anywhere near this place of desperation personally, but I have known others, even some family members, who have attempted suicide and succeeded. Suicidal tendencies, according to an April 2010 Psychology Today piece by Alex Lickerman M.D., are complicated because a person may be feeling either one or a combination of things: they are depressed; they're psychotic (“Malevolent inner voices often command self-destruction for unintelligible reasons”); they're impulsive; they're crying out for help; they have a philosophical desire to die; and they've made a mistake.

This Life Is Hard Series will not be specifically about suicide, but it is about how one may react to a terrible tragedy, trial and deep hurt; it is about what affects us emotionally and how we can move on with spiritual health in the midst of difficulty.

__________________________________________

I recently saw a report regarding the fallout of one-time musical partners Graham Nash and David Crosby; both are incredibly influential people in my musical upbringing, and members of the supergroup Crosby, Stills and Nash (and sometimes Young). In a March 8, 2016 Rolling Stone article by David Kreps, Nash said, "I don't like David Crosby right now. He's been awful for me the last two years…David has ripped the heart out of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young."

Hurt may cause one’s closest friend to become their most hated enemy. Regretfully, Nash said in reaction to the pain, "How can I not be sad? Look at the music we probably lost.”

Unforgiveness is insidious; it is sin against God because it shows a lack of trust that God is ultimately in control

Pain can either be life-giving or it can become a harbinger of death. Pain can tell us that something is wrong and that we must avert certain behaviors or attitudes to avoid more difficulty. Then, on the other hand, pain can turn into bitterness, fester like an infection, and eat away at our insides like cancer. Pain, such as in the case of Crosby and Nash, unfortunately can result in loss.

Unforgiveness is insidious; it is sin against God because it shows a lack of trust that God is ultimately in control—even when it seems our lives have temporarily come off the rails. So many times we take the responsibility upon ourselves to seek revenge—for after all, we have been hurt, and “shouldn’t we repay the evildoer?”

In Matthew 18:32-33 (NIV), Jesus illustrates the need for forgiveness—both to receive it, but most importantly, to give it: “Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’” Tim Keller discussed forgiveness in his incredibly helpful article, Serving Each Other Through Forgiveness and Reconciliation: “A lack of forgiveness toward others is the direct result of a lack of repentance toward God. And as we know, you must repent in order to be saved (Acts 2:38).”

Difficulties can lead us to do things we never would have otherwise contemplated, like murder, damaging property, or putting others in danger (especially our loved ones) by way of our anger. Some, as I mentioned at the beginning of this piece, cannot even forgive themselves. Ryan Holiday, in the book Ego Is the Enemy, writes, “Sometimes because we can’t face what’s been said or what’s been done, we do the unthinkable in response to the unbearable: we escalate. This is ego in its purest and most toxic form.”

I myself have been hurt, wronged, misunderstood, etc., and have struggled to grasp forgiveness because it is so counterintuitive to the human mind; forgiving someone who has wronged us can seem impossible to arrive at, as we may say, “That idiot shouldn’t be let off the hook so easily!”

"Forgiveness is always extremely costly"—Tim Keller

I totally get it! I deal with forgiveness on a daily basis, even several times per day. It’s not that the perpetrator will ever feel remorse for their infraction upon us—their sin against us; it’s that I myself need the release that forgiveness brings. Keller, in the article mentioned earlier, says, “What then is forgiveness? Forgiveness means giving up the right to seek repayment from the one who harmed you. But it must be recognized that forgiveness is a form of voluntary suffering.” He goes on to say that, “Forgiveness is always extremely costly. It is emotionally very expensive—it takes much blood, sweat, and tears. When you forgive, you pay the debt yourself…” Paying the debt, says Keller, means you commit to refuse retaliation, you refuse to diminish the person in mind and deed, and try to stop the replay (rumination) of the infractions over and over in your mind. This personal expense takes time and constant disciplining of our minds, and instead of deepening the wound, it will deepen our character, eventually healing the hurt, glorifying God!

“If someone wrongs you,” says Keller, ”there are only two options: (1) you make them suffer, or (2) you refuse revenge and forgive them and then you suffer. And if we can’t forgive without suffering, how much more must God suffer in order to forgive us?”

Handlebars for hope and healing: Forgiveness is given before it is felt!

(Page 2).